


you left and now i'm homesick

by theskyfelldown



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Harry, Break Up, M/M, One Shot, Writer Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 22:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10500780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskyfelldown/pseuds/theskyfelldown
Summary: Louis doesn’t remember much. Why they fought. Why his throat fucking hurts like he’d been screaming his heart out all night. All he knows is that when he wakes up to a half empty bed, Harry’s left him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **i have no idea what this is even tbh? this started off a completely different thing and how that evolved into this is something i don’t understand. Anyway. hope you guys like this? its my first fic so um. leave kudos and comments below??? i also have no idea what im doing???**
> 
> **also i do realize i alternate between tenses so lets just ignore that**
> 
> **shout out to kris for her amazing support and making me write this!! love you**  
>     
>  **thank you for aqilah for going through this! any mistakes you spot are mine :)**  
> 
> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/bitterlouistan/)  
> [tumblr](http://theskysfelldown.tumblr.com/)

 

Louis doesn’t remember much. Why they fought. Why his throat fucking hurts like he’d been screaming his heart out all night. All he knows is that when he wakes up to a half empty bed, Harry’s left him.

 

 

~*~

 

The first thing Louis notices, of course, is the rain.

It shouldn’t be surprising. It really isn’t. It’s London of all places, probably the gloomiest place on Earth, a constant period of shower and dark clouds but a heavy feeling settles at the bottom of his stomach anyway as he stares out of his apartment window, the sky shaded a light grey, heavy clouds bumping against each other, rain drops sliding down cold glass.

He pushes back his glasses; strips of scotch tape discreetly wrapped over the bridge to hold them together and draws the curtains close. Behind him, the kettle whistles in the kitchen. Louis’ dog Bruce opens an eye in his sleep at the sudden shrill noise and watches as Louis walks past him.

Louis switches off the kettle, grabs his mug from the cupboard and pulls out a box of Yorkshire tea. Bruce whimpers in his sleep and Louis looks turns to look, his lips growing into a smile as he sees the little thing curl himself into a ball, snort happily and go back to sleep.

The rain outside grows steadier and Louis dunks his tea bag into his warm water. His phone buzzes on the kitchen counter, suddenly alight.

Louis glances over and furrows his eyebrows when he realizes it’s Zayn who’s calling him. It’s been ages since they’ve both talked to each other, not because they had a fall out or anything but because Louis couldn’t muster himself the energy to talk to anyone.

“Hello?” Louis says as soon as he swipes answer.

“Oh my god! Louis!”

Louis’ spine straightens, “What – are you okay? Did something happen? Did something happen to Liam –”

“No, oh god, no,” Zayn laughs, “God, it’s been so long since we talked to each other, what the fuck, man? How are you doing?”

“Oh,” Louis chuckles a little, relaxing, sitting on a dingy kitchen stool. He suddenly feels too awkward and tense, “God, yeah it has been too long. Um, I’m doing okay, I really am. Uh, you?”

“Well, things are all right with the shop. Business is growing steady as ever and we just hired this guy – nice lad, he’s funny as hell, you have to meet him – and yeah, the usual. Nothing much.” Louis feels his heart sink a little. “What about you, man? We haven’t seen each other in ages. Missed you. Liam can’t stop whining about you.”

“Uh,” Louis chuckles, clenching his eyes shut, brushing his hair away from his eyes, “Yeah, I missed you guys too. Um, I just went home for some time –”

“Are things okay at home?”

Louis felt guilt wash all over him, because fuck, Zayn was such a good friend and here was Louis, ungrateful, not bothered to even keep contact and fuck, he was really horrible, wasn’t he? “Yeah, things are fine, Zayn. Just decided to make a trip, you know. S’been too long since I saw them all. Mum’s great and so are the girls and the twins, yeah, they’re all… great.”

“That’s nice,” Zayn laughs, “Reminds me that I have to call my mum sometime today or she’s going to have a meltdown.”

“Oh yeah,” Louis says, feeling suddenly awkward and small and God, what the fuck is even happening to him? Why was he so tense and awkward – this was fucking Zayn, his best god damn friend. “You know how mums are.”

“Yeah,” Zayn chuckles and he clears his throat a little, “Um, Lou, I was wondering whether we could meet up some time later today?”

“Uh, is – is something wrong?”

“No,” Zayn says softly, “It’s just – I wanted to talk to you, is all, Just wanted to catch up. See how you’re doing.”

“Oh,” Louis says, “Right, yeah, we could. Definitely.”

“Oh, great!” Zayn says, voice bright, “Um, not now though, have you seen how miserable it is outside? God.”

“Well, it’s London,” Louis shrugs.

“Yeah,” Zayn hums and Louis hears indistinct murmuring, “Oh, hey, Lou, I gotta go, I’ve already got someone for their appointment.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.”

“Okay then, um, see you later then? At Dixie’s? At like, um, twelve? I’m free then. Does that work for you?”

Louis mentally scanned his agenda; he has absolutely nothing in store for him for the rest of the day, except having endless cuddles with Bruce and watching the telly and maybe scan the newspaper ad’s for any sort of vacancy for a job. “Yeah, I’m free. Um, see you soon?”

“Yeah. See you, Lou.” His voice turns gentle, “Take care.”

“You too.”

“Oh and Lou?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s not doing well, if you were wondering.”

And the call ends and Louis’ left with silence and he sits in the kitchen for some time and it’s not until Bruce comes over and licks his feet does Louis get up.

 

~*~

 

Louis finds himself at Dixie's, ten minutes past noon without any sign of Zayn.

He bites his lip and orders a cup of unsweetened tea and waits in the corner of the little restaurant slash cafe for his friend. The waitress, a brunette with curls pulled back into a bun and dark brown eyes, gives Louis an odd look and promptly leaves. It’s not unusual that Zayn’s running late and Louis knows he should see whether Zayn’s messaged him but his phone’s run out of battery.

Louis drums his fingers and stares out of the window aimlessly, watches as a young girl walks past him, nodding her head to herself as she listens to something with her large headphones. An old man walks his dog. A woman with bright red lipstick pushes past everyone, obviously in a hurry to get somewhere.

His back turns erect as soon as he sees Zayn, Liam and someone else walking past him, into the restaurant. It doesn’t take long for Zayn and Liam to spot him, their faces immediately turning bright as soon as they see Louis. There’s a lad Louis’ never seen before with them who’s staring down at his phone trailing behind the duo as they walk up to his table. Louis can’t see his face, but there’s something dreadfully familiar about his posture and his frame and – no. It couldn’t be him. Zayn wouldn’t do that to him.

Louis stands up, awkward as Zayn engulfs him into a hug. He still smells the same as ever; cigarette smoke and the spicy scent of his cologne. Looks different; his hair dyed platinum and his nose pierced. He looks good, is the thing and so does Liam behind him, with his hair buzzed and his arms full of ink and his smile, bright and wide and –

The stranger behind Liam is someone who Louis has seen before, someone who he’s seen a hundred times a day in what felt a lifetime ago.

“Fuck,” He breathes out, his heart hammering. He turns to Zayn for an explanation, “What the fuck, Zayn?”

“Louis,” Harry breathes and his hair’s cut short now and that was why Louis didn’t recognize him. Louis closes his eyes. Shut the fuck up, don’t talk to me, he wishes he’d get the message.

“You guys need to talk,” Zayn says and he doesn’t look sorry, is the thing, not one bit and it takes every bit of Louis to not make a scene but fall into his seat instead and doesn’t spare a glance at Harry. He feels his hands shake at his sides.

“Hello,” The waitress from before chirps. She hands the boys their menus, oblivious to any tension. “Call me when you guys make your mind about your order, alright?” And beams when Zayn shoots her a smile before she leaves.

“I’m sorry.” Zayn whispers, right next to Louis and Louis shoots him a cold glare.

“You guys have to talk,” Liam says, “I’m sorry but you need to fix whatever went wrong.”

“There’s nothing to fix,” Louis says.

“Of course, there isn’t.” Harry snorts and Louis’ head snaps at his direction.

“Do you want to elaborate on that, Harry?”

Harry bites his lip, “You’re running away. Again.”

Louis was so angry, he could have reached over and punched Harry repeatedly in the face. He’d never liked the thought of anyone ever touching Harry in the wrong way before but staring at his face now, hair cut short, face so painfully familiar, eyes the very ones he fell in love with, he was seeing red.

“Yeah, cause it was me right?” Louis laughed, “The one who caused all this damage, the one who broke your fucking heart right? Cause it was me who walked out of the god damn apartment door, left you in tears, calling out my name, right? It was me. It was me who didn’t let you speak out, didn’t let you explain, didn’t bother to listen, right? It was me. It was entirely my fault why this happened to us. I was the one running away.”

“Louis –” Harry starts.

“No. Fuck, no. Harry, I’ve had enough of your shit, alright? I’ve had enough, I don’t want you in my life anymore, I’m happier –”

“Are you?”

Louis stared at Harry. “Yes.” He says finally. “Yes, I am fucking happier, at least I am happier than I was with you.”

“You’re not.” Harry said, voice caught up, like he’s in tears and the whole thing’s so bloody fucking unfair, is the thing. Harry acting like Louis had reached in, ripped his heart open when it had been Harry who’d stomped on Louis’ heart and doused it in gasoline before setting it alight. “You’re not happy, you’re lying.”

“I’m not lying!”

“You are!”

“Guys,” Liam interjects, his voice painfully soft and cautious, “Please tone it down –”

“Why’d you call me here, Zayn?” Louis asks, whipping to face Zayn, “Fuck, why?”

“Louis, you need to talk this out – you guys — this isn’t healthy for either of you –”

“You could have given me a warning! You could have said he was coming –”

“So you wouldn’t come? Lou, I know you.” Zayn says frustrated, “I knew you wouldn’t have come.”

“If it helps,” Harry pipes up, “I wasn’t told you were coming either.”

Louis simmers, “It helps. A lot.”

“You guys need to sort this out, okay?” Zayn says softly, standing up. “Liam and I will go and order something and you guys just take the time to talk, okay?”

Zayn squeezes his shoulder and follows Liam to the counter. Louis looks down at his nails, unable to think of anything he could talk with Harry. He’s not going to lose his composure, though, that he’s sure of.

“Um, how’s work?” Harry asks.

“Okay.” Louis says tonelessly. His glasses slide down his nose and he pushes them back.

“Oh.” Harry says dumbly. “Oh, okay. Um. How’s Jay?”

“Great.”

“The girls?”

“Good.”

“The twins?”

Louis sighs and feels a pang when he thinks about how he’d been planning on travelling to Doncaster with Harry this Christmas. “Great. They’re walking now.”

Harry brightens atthe new information, “Do you have any pictures?”

“Phone ran out of battery.” Louis says, “I’ll send them to you soon though.” He doesn’t mention how he’d deleted Harry’s number, but it doesn't matter since he’s still got it memorised, like the back of his own hand.

“Oh, okay, thanks.” Harry clears his throat and looks down and visibly perks up, “What about Bruce–”

“Harry.” Louis whispers and Harry’s face melts into a frown, “Look, you don’t have to fill in the silence, okay?”

Harry looks stricken, “What? Lou, I genuinely want to know how you’ve been doing –”

“Really?” Louis snaps. So much for keeping his composure. “Harry, we’ve broken up. We shouldn’t even be doing this. I don’t know what Zayn and Liam were thinking –”

“So?” Harry asks wildly, “So, if we’re broken up, does that mean we can’t be friends or what? You’re just going to kick me out of your life?”

Louis spares a glance at Liam and Zayn, both still at the counter, obviously taking their own sweet time. “Harry, what we need is some space from each other.”

“ _Space_?”

“Harry, we’re us.” Louis gestures to the both of them with his hands, “You really think three weeks is enough for us to get over each other?”

Harry bites his lip, “What if I’m over you, already?”

Silence brushed across them. Louis could feel his heart rabbiting inside of his chest. He tried to swallow past his dry throat, “Well, are you?”

Harry didn’t miss a beat. He shook his head, “No.”

“Right.” Louis said faintly, “Look. Harry, when — when you left me, you really fucking hurt me, okay?”

“I know, love.” And Louis wants to snap, _you have no right to call me that_ but he bites his tongue, “I know I hurt you and I’m so fucking sorry, I am. I think about you every night, wishing I could back and just have stayed with you instead of running away when you called out for me.”

“You hurt me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“You broke my fucking heart, Harry.” Louis whispers, “And you know what the worst thing about this entire thing is?”

“What?”

“That I’m still fucking in love with you and I hate myself for it.”

“Lou.” Harry made a sudden move like he was about to reach for Louis’ hand but stops himself. “Lou, you shouldn’t ever feel like that about yourself, ever. Fuck.” He drops his head into his hands, “Fuck, I can’t believe I made you think like that, fuck, I’m so sorry —”

“It’s okay.” Louis knows it’s not. So does Harry.

Harry laughs bitterly, “It’s not. Fuck, I was so stupid. You were the greatest thing that happened to me and I just let go of you and it’s all my fucking fault.”

“Harry —”

“I’m sorry,” Harry blurts, “I’m so fucking sorry and I know it’s not going to make a difference no matter how many times I say it, I know, God Louis, you were the best thing in my life, you were my best friend, you were my first everything and I lost you, all because I decided to be an idiot, all because I thought my work was more important than you and God, if I could change things in an instant Lou, I swear I would do anything just to get you back.”

Louis tries tospeak against the lump in his throat, "now you would.”

“I just want for us to be okay, Lou.”

“I know.”

“Fuck, it's okay – it’s okay if you don’t want to get back together with me, I get it. It’s just – I can’t ever imagine a life without you. Ever.”

“Me neither.” Louis clears his throat, “Ever.”

“Okay,” The relief on Harry’s face is almost painful. “Okay. Um, what do you want – what do you want us to be?”

Louis bit his lip, looking down at his lap, “Harry,” He starts. “Harry -- I -- I was just thinking of being friends, I mean -”

“Oh,” Harry says dumbly and Louis feels his heart sink, “Of course, Lou, yeah, definitely, I mean – of course. Anything.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean of course, Lou, I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not have you at all.”

“Right.” Louis takes a deep breath, there’s something in his chest that feels oddly like relief but there’s something else too, “Okay, yeah.” And they both don’t say anything after that.

When Liam and Zayn finally come over with their food, Louis isn’t able to look at Harry, not once. Harry doesn’t attempt to speak to Louis. And Louis doesn’t spare another glance at Harry.

When it’s time to leave, Harry makes a sudden move to reach out for Louis outside the restaurant but stops himself short. They look at each other for a beat before Harry walks away and Louis is left staring at his figure, growing smaller and smaller; wondering how they'd both burnt out into nothingness, just remnants of ash, evidence that they'd both once burnt bright.

 

~*~

 

The next day, Louis calls his mother.

It’s the longest he’s ever gone without talking to her, five days in a row.  The last time he called her was when Harry had left him and all he fucking wanted to do was get out of his apartment because he could see Harry _everywhere —_ on the bracelets on the bedside table, his chipped mug on the kitchen counter, shoes neatly arranged next to Louis’ hazardously strewn Vans, his blue electric toothbrush by Louis’ and the scent of Harry’s cologne, on his sheets, on his pillows, on his fucking skin — and it was _just too fucking much_. He had to get out of there and he’d called his mother, sobbing, Bruce frantically licking his feet, begging his mother to let him come home.

His mother had panicked, of course, she’d asked whether Louis wanted her to pick him up but Louis had shaken his head, tears blurring his vision, furiously stuffing in clothes and everything Bruce needed into a small bag, telling his mother she didn’t have to fuss, he’d come home. He just needed a place to stay for some time.

And so, he went home. On the same night, Harry had stormed out of their apartment. Louis left with Bruce, who looked up at his owner with wide eyes, wondering what had happened but he went after Louis, loyally into Louis’ beaten Toyota Corolla. And then, Louis drove them both back to Doncaster, trying to stop the sobs from racking through his body, wiping at his eyes furiously, trying to see the road in front of him.

Louis sits on the little couch in his living room, dialling his mother’s number. The dial tone beeps and he’s soon greeted by his mother.

“Louis William Tomlinson! How _dare_ you ignore my calls? How _dare_ you ignore my texts? I got half the mind to drive myself up there to check up on you, Louis! You had me so worried!”

“Mum –”

“Don’t you dare _mum_ me, you had me so worried, Tomlinson! You could have been lying dead in ditch for all I know!”

“ _Mum—_ ”

“I’m not done yet! Thank god for Harry! If it wasn’t for him –”

Louis’ blood ran cold, “Mum? What do you mean, Harry?”

“Well, your boyfriend, Harry, who else you dimwit?” Louis fish mouthed for several seconds. He hadn’t told his mother they’d broken up, just showed at up her doorstep with Bruce and a bag hanging off his shoulder; both his dog and himself wet from the rain and tears he’d sobbed all the way home. His mother had demanded an explanation but he’d stayed firm with not telling her. He couldn’t. Maybe, it was because if he’d lied to her and told her nothing, he would start to believe nothing wrong had happened anyway.

“Harry?! You’ve been talking to Harry?”

“Well, _of course,_ I have, he is practically my son in law, been talking  with him every day since you got together.” Jay said, confusion leaking into her voice. In the distance, he could hear Doris wailing. He could hear his mother walking up to her and calming her down, “Is there something you want to tell me, Louis?”

“What do you mean, mum?”

“I don’t know, it’s just Harry seemed off and you’re acting a bit antsy – is there something wrong?”

“Oh no, mum,” Louis lied. He hated lying to her. “It’s just – I’m feeling a little under the weather, I suppose. Uh, think I’m catching a cold or something.”

“Oh, you. Harry told you both had lunch yesterday and you hadn’t even gotten an umbrella! No wonder you’re getting sick.”

Louis was going to find Harry and he was going to kill him. He could already see the headlines. _Man Hunts Down Ex-Boyfriend; Murders Him After Ex Pretends They’re Still Lovers And Rats Him Out To His Mother That He Went For Lunch Without An Umbrella._

Louis tried to laugh but he knew it came out, pained. “Yeah, you know him, always concerned for my wellbeing.”

“Well, of course he is, love, he loves you so much.”

Louis’ throat dries. “Yeah?”

“What a silly question, darling.” Jay laughs and Louis feels his heart swell with love, “I don’t think there’s anything in the world he wouldn’t do for you. He looks at you like you’ve hung the moon, Lou.”

 _Then why did he leave? Why didn’t he stay and put up a fight? Why did he just walk out of that fucking door?_ “Yeah, I know.” Louis whispers, “I love him so much too.”

Jay hums, “You’re going to fix whatever’s going on with you too, okay, love?”

Louis’ mouth dropped, “Mum? What are you on about – we’re okay –” He realized there was no point lying to her, “How did you know?” He asked finally.

“That’s the thing about mums love,” Jay said. He could almost see her secretive smile through the phone, “We know everything – when our kids hurt, when they’re happy, when they need someone. You really shouldn’t have bothered with lying. I could give you a three out of ten for it. And Harry? The kid can’t lie to save himself. Poor thing.”

Louis laughed, for what seemed like the first time in a hundred years. “He’s always been a bad liar.”

“Didn’t even know why he tried, to be honest.” Jay chuckles. “What happened between you?”

Louis picks on a loose thread on his T-shirt, “We, um, we kind of drifted away, I guess.” Louis whispered. “Um, we didn’t have time for each other. My job – he’s got an art project coming up, did you know?”

“He told me,” Jay hummed and Louis felt a pang in his chest. He hadn’t even known until they’d broke up. “But what do you mean you drifted away, love?”

“I don’t even know, mum. It’s just – we didn’t have time for each other, I think. I go to bed and he’s not there and when I wake up and he’s still not there and like. We went two weeks without saying I love you to each other, two weeks without any kisses or hugs or anything and it was like, every god damn minute we spent, I felt like he was just itching to go away, get away from me as far as possible.” Louis said, overwhelmed with emotion, his eyes stinging with tears. “I don’t know... I don’t know how we became that... How we just stopped loving each other.”

“Oh baby, he’s never stopped loving you, ever.” Jay says softly, “He loves you so much, he loves you to the moon and back and more and I don’t think a day would ever come where he would ever stop loving you.”

“Mum, he just walked out – mid sentence – we were yelling, I don’t even remember what the fuck – _sorry_ , I don’t remember why we were even fighting, is the thing.” Louis says, drawing his knees to his chest. “It feels so stupid, looking back, it was so pointless. I should have just kept quiet.”

“Sweetheart, don’t take this so hard on yourself. You had every right to speak out, you had every right to go up to him and tell him how you felt, every right there is. Don’t blame yourself. You did the right thing.”

“Well. It doesn’t feel right, is the thing.” Louis chuckled bitterly, pressing the back of his hand to his eyes. He felt like crying again and it was so stupid. Here he was, a grown man of twenty six years old about to cry his fucking heart out because of a stupid god damn relationship.

“Lou, I love you but I think you need to go and talk to him.”

“Mum –”

“There’s no use pondering over things that happened, Lou. It’s in the past. There’s no point, sitting and wondering what went wrong and wishing you could change things because it’s happened. You can’t do anything about it and there’s no point dwelling on it. You need to go talk to him.”

“We already did. We decided to stay as friends.”

“Louis,” Jay asks softly, “Could you ever imagine yourself loving anyone but him?”

Louis stayed silent. Because he couldn’t. He couldn’t ever imagine loving anyone but Harry. He couldn’t imagine ever waking up to someone who didn’t have curly hair and green eyes and the smile of an angel and ridiculous pun jokes up his sleeves, whocreates beautiful art from nothingness – who loved Louis so much. He couldn’t ever picture himself walking down an aisle and marrying someone who wasn’t Harry. He couldn’t ever picture himself growing old without harry by his side. He couldn’t ever imagine not loving him. Ever.

“Go and talk to him, baby.” Jay says, gently, “Tell him how you feel.”

Louis’ swallows, his heart threatening to burst with all the affection and love he feels for her. She’s the best person in the world, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, darling. You deserve only the best. Now go and get him.”

 

~*~

Louis had lit a cigarette, Bruce was asleep by his legs and he was staring at Harry’s phone number.

His finger hovered over Harry’s number. His mother’s words had been itching at his chest all afternoon. The sun had sunk low and the sky was turning dark rapidly and Louis was still contemplating on whether or not he should call Harry.

He loved him, was the thing. He was sure of it, he couldn’t ever imagine not loving him, couldn’t ever imagine having a life where Harry wasn’t his and he wasn’t Harry’s.

But the idea of going back together with Harry was terrifying.

His split with Harry had showed him a world he hadn’t ever imagined before. He’d never ever once thought that they’d ever break up, that they’d ever drift away, that they’d ever rip each other’s hearts out, that they’d spit out fire at each other, hate each other, scream at each other, cry because of each other. He had been confident, reassured constantly with Harry’s love that they’d never leave other, never stop loving each other but they’d broken up anyway. They’d both left each other. Their love had faded into dust and nothingness.

 But he still loved him, despite everything. With his whole fucking heart.

Louis pressed call. He had to do this.

Bruce snorted in his sleep as if he was disturbed and shifted, pressing his snout to Louis’ feet. He remembers Harry’s constant jokes that Bruce was in love with Louis’ feet because Louis never wore socks and Louis’ feet probably stank like fish. Louis had chased Harry around the apartment and they’d both ended up kissing, melting into each other’s arms, all their worries dissipating into nothingness.

Harry finally picks up, “Louis?”

“Harry,” Louis whispers, “Um, hi, it’s Louis.”

“Oh, uh, how are you?”

“Could we – could we talk?”

Harry shifts and Louis hears the noise of rushing water. He must be in the studio, again. “Oh yeah, of course, Lou. What is it?”

“I love you.”

 Louis hears the noise of Harry’s phone toppling over. Louis winces, pulling his phone away from his ear. “Harry?” He asks, worried, “Are you okay?”

“I think I just cracked my phone...” Harry says, “Did you just – did you just say you love me?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.” Harry says, clearing his throat. He sounds faint and if Louis wasn’t so ridiculously head over heels with him, he’d tell him to shut the fuck up. “ _Oh._ Oh god.”

“Are you – are you okay?” Harry says nothing and Louis feels the frustration inside of him bubble, “Say something, for fucks sake, Harry.”

“I can’t do this over the phone.”

“What?” Louis asked, his heart rabbiting inside of his chest. “Harry –”

“I’m coming over. I’ll be over in ten minutes.” And he cuts the line and Louis stares at his phone, his screen fading into black. Bruce whimpers and digs his snout deeper into Louis’ legs and it only takes ten seconds for Louis to realize how fucked he is.

 

~*~

 

Louis expects the knock on his door but it surprises him anyway.

Bruce wakes up in his sleep, whining. Louis reaches and pets him, soothing him back to sleep. He slowly gets up and puts out his cigarette on out the little ashtray Harry had gotten him months ago. He looks at himself in the mirror and flattens his fringe and pulls down at his t-shirt, taking a deep breath.

Louis walks over to the door, counts to three and swings the door open.

Harry stands in front of him, hair cut short, a sight Louis would take time to get used to, wearing one of Louis’ favourite scarves on him, panting like he’d ran eighteen blocks. It would be incredibly comical if it wasn’t for the way Harry was looking at Louis.

“Louis,” He whispers and Louis feels his throat dry out before Harry walks a step closer and pulls him into his arms and suddenly they’re kissing.

Their kiss is hot with the desperate urge to get _closer closer closer_. It’s full of lust and longing, like they’d gone thirsty and dry without the touch of each other’s lips and now that they have it, it feels like they want nothing else, like they could simply get drunk with the taste of each other’s lips and suddenly, everything just falls into place. Just like that.

Louis pulls back, breathless and Harry presses his forehead against Louis’. It feels too much like a dream, is the thing. Like Louis could just open his eyes and Harry would fade away from his arms and Louis’ lips would be left dry. He doesn’t want to let go, he doesn’t want to open his eyes. He just wants Harry by his side. Always.

“Louis,” Harry says, his voice hoarse.

Louis opens his eyes, wills himself to look at reality. He pulls back from Harry’s arms and tries to ignore how empty he feels all of the sudden and motions for Harry to follow him into the living room. Harry closes the door and hangs his coat and it’s almost like Harry belongs in Louis’ living room, like he always had and suddenly, his apartment doesn’t feel empty anymore. Louis takes a seat on the couch and motions Harry to take a seat, opposite him.

“We need to talk,” Louis says quietly. He stares at Bruce. He doesn’t want him waking up.

“We do.”

An awkward silence. “I guess I should explain myself,” Louis clears his throat, “I – I love you and I can’t imagine ever – ever living without you—”

“Lou—”

“No, let me finish.”Bruce shifts as if he’s disturbed and Louis’ voice grows quiet, “I love you so much, okay? And you really fucking hurt me by leaving me without a god damn explanation. I’ve never loved anyone as much I loved you. I’ve never imagined a life without you. I _can’t_ imagine one cause it’s always like – twenty years down the lane, you’ll be my side and fifty years later, you’ll still be my side and I love you so fucking much and I want to be with you again – it’s just – it’s just that I’m terrified.”

Harry bites his lip, “Terrified of what, Lou?”

“Terrified that you’ll stop loving me again, Harry,” Louis whispers, “And I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it, if it happened again.”

“Lou,” Harry says, his voice pained, “Don’t you ever think for _one moment_ that I stopped loving you.”

Louis furrows his eyebrows, “Didn’t you?”

“Of course, not, Lou. I’ve always _always_ fucking loved you, I’ve never ever stopped loving you, I can’t imagine it. I love you so much. It’s always been you.”

“It’s always been you too.” Louis clears his throat. “For me.”

“It disgusts me that I even made you think like that. Fuck.” Harry says, looking down at his feet. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could change what happened.” Harry sighs and he bites his lip. “I think – I think it’s good that – that we broke up.”

Confusion stirs in Louis’ stomach, “What do you mean? Are you glad we broke up?”

“No, it’s just like – I guess being three weeks away from you just made me realize how much of an idiot I was. Like, it’s always been you, Lou. I thought that time would eventually numb how I felt about you. Like it would stitch the wound. Like I’d eventually get over you, somehow, over time.” Harry takes a deep breath and it hurts Louis that he’d thought of Louis something, replaceable, something he could get over, like a taste or flavour or a TV series. “But I never did, is the thing. I never did get over you. I never could. Every time I thought of something funny, I thought about telling it to you. Every time I came up with something in the studio, all I wanted to do was rush home and tell you. All I could think about was you. And it’s like. I can’t imagine being without you.”

Louis says nothing, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. His eyes sting. He wants to reach over and let Harry pull him into his arms. He loves him so much.

“It’s always been you, Lou.” Harry repeats. “Always you.”

“Fuck,” Louis whispers, his voice breathless and overwhelmed, “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much, too.” Harry says and he pulls Louis into another kiss; this one much slower than their last, slow and warm and wet like they have all the time in the world there is to map each other’s mouths again.

This one – it feels like forever.

Bruce snorts happily in his sleep like he knows.

**Author's Note:**

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